What if I told you I know what happens when you die?

365 days ago today, I died. At least for a few moments I did. It was the day that should have been my last because of the number of ways I could have died. I was surrounded by death, imminent death that I had no control over. My heart nearly exploded racing to a rate I’ve never experienced. Then, realizing I could do nothing, it came back down to near resting rate. I had submitted and accepted my inevitable death.

In a flash, I had a 2-hour conversation with myself that lasted a nanosecond. I never imagined I’d find myself completely helpless with absolutely no way out. With death looming just around the corner, I began to make it right with my God and Savior, something I should have been doing all my life. It’s truly amazing what the mind and body are capable of when confronted with fear.

That 2-hour conversation obviously wasn’t that long but the details involved in my thoughts stretched the time like a rubber band and then my mind snapped it right back. Sitting there wondering what death would feel like was interrupted by the thought of what everyone’s life would be like without me. It was a thought about Keli, my business partner/manager, having to go to my desk to read the Post-it® Notes that I can’t even read, just to figure out what I was working on before I left this earth. I felt sick knowing that she’d be alone in the driver’s seat of the company we built. The colors of the notes, the level of confusion that my cluttered desk brings to anyone that sits in my chair, and the overwhelming sensation of what to do first and how to do it, made me feel especially sad for her. Feeling melancholy, my mother’s 84-year young face popped up right in front of me. She looked lost. Tears filled her eyes and sadness, her soul. I felt deflated thinking that she’d outlive me and that she wouldn’t be able to see her first son’s face in the coffin as the damage sustained would not allow it.

Then, as fast as a Formula 1 car shifts from 1st to 2nd, my mind took a sudden turn. My materialistic mindset took over and I began to think about living rather than dying. Realizing that I have money in the bank and a list of things to do that I haven’t finished since the first grade, I began to look for a way out. I prayed that God would give me a sliver of time to take back my life. I begged him for just that little window of opportunity to let me fight my way out. The power of prayer coupled with my faith and determination to fight my way out was the best gift I could receive. Still a mystery to me, I responded with lightning speed and a will to survive, God’s hand guiding me the whole way through.

Those thoughts of death will haunt me forever. Not to mention the fact that I never imagined I’d find myself staring down the barrels of 2 guns pointed directly at me, one an inch from my left eye, and the other, about a foot from the center of my chest. It was an armed robbery at a friend’s business and I was right in the middle of it.

Two armed gunmen stormed into her business, and I was unaware of my surroundings. Being unaware, I was completely unprepared for the attack. Although I had a dependable firearm with a permit to carry, there was no way that I could get to employ it. I was scared shitless. If I could see my face at that time, I’d say it was colorless and emotionless, stunned to say the least. I was frozen in fear, but I was placed there by God, at that very time, to do God’s work. In the sliver of time that I had to respond, I fired at my assailant striking him with well-placed shots.

I continue to do His work by talking about my ordeal. I feel it is valuable to anyone within earshot.

Things have changed for me drastically. Everything has changed. My newfound outlook on life, the people around me that I love, the way I see God’s creations, and the life I want to live, all are so very different now. I cry often, love harder, and rejoice in Him on a daily basis. I’m grateful for those that helped me understand that my life is worth living.

Thank you to Keli, Ani, Larry, Chris, & Eric. Thank you to Sheriff Chad Bianco, Mark Skoglund, Rick Coin, Ken Barker, Jason Texiera, Joe Zarillo, and to my family, Mom, Eric, Chris, Robert, and Michael, that lifted me up during my darkest times. I wish I could say that I’m hunky-doorie but I’m not. I have random anger filled moments, times I want to isolate, and many what-ifs bouncing around in my head. Thank you to Dr. Kimberly Cravotta who reassures me and helps me with that noise in my head. And to Kasey Castillo, my attorney, my best friend, and my greatest supporter. Without you and the USCCA, I’d be in a much different place.

Thanks to those better than me that taught me the things I’ve taught, and things that I now teach. Dad, cousin Jim, and Mom. Thanks to everyone that sent me words of encouragement and uplifting text messages. Thanks to my dear friend Don Oaks who prayed over me any time he could. I miss him.

Thanks to Icarus Precision, responsible for the best, most ergonomically amazing pistol grip module on the market. It made my job easier. Thank you Travis, Eve, and Ashley.

Lastly, but most importantly, thanks to my God and my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I think Eminem poised the best question. “If you had one shot, one opportunity to seize everything you that you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it, or let it slip?”